You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
