well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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