I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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