I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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