I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
