Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
