you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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