Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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