I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
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