there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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