i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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