My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
