The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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