i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
