You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
