Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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