Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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