Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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