should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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