It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
