my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
