Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
