I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
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