i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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