ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
