Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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