So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
