i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
