I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
