Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
