Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
