my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
