My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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