In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Pants are for mortals
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
