Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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