I wish my penis had an off switch
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
