we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Sober January is a disaster.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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