apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
