I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
