i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
