I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
