i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My penis needs a shock collar
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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