when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
