Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
