I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
