and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
