One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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