All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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