Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
