I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize