Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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