3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
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i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
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Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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