We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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