I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize