if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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