if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
