i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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